I don’t know about you, but I really like to be in control of things. I have been this way ever since I was a little girl. But when you follow the Lord, faith is grown when you trust Him completely. We can’t trust Him when we are still holding on to the reins. These last few years of my life, in so many situations, I feel like the Lord has been saying to me, “Do you trust me completely?” “Jamie, you are still not trusting me.” “Are you really giving me all of your life?” Sometimes these moments can be so frustrating to me because I think ‘Lord how much more can I really give.’ But deep down I know He is right. I still like to be in control. I still have backup plans in my head just in case God’s path doesn’t work.
The Lord keeps echoing this verse in my ears- for the longest time it was taped to my mirror in my bathroom. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Over these past few years of my life there was just so much I couldn’t control. I couldn’t control when we would get Miriam. I couldn’t control that Miriam has attachment issues and I wasn’t there for the first 3 years of her life. I can’t control that I want a baby so bad and I feel like my body is failing me and that makes me feel like a failure. I hurt so badly because I hate that the kids at Elston are hurting because I left and I really didn’t want to leave in the first place. I can’t control that my daughter has some issues that I can’t fix, even though all I want to do is make them better.
So about a year ago when so many of these things were going on in my heart. I felt lost I felt my Joy was being stolen from me. A dear friend was having lunch with me and she said. I feel like God wants me to tell you something. It is that “he sees you Joyfully”. In that dear sweet moment I burst out in tears in the middle of McDonald’s. Because I did not feel Joy at all. I felt the opposite. But what happened in that moment was that I started to have hope again. I started to believe that one day I would have Joy again.
So did it happen overnight? No!!! Actually things got a little tougher. But Joy does come in the mourning. But I had my hope back and I started searching for God and knowing in his peace would come Joy.
So in the middle of August when a fear of mine became a reality. I broke down. I thought Lord my world is crashing around me. I am now completely broken. This is too big you can’t fix this. But God holds us in the palm of his hands. He says nothing is truly broken. In Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. and Romans 8:31b ” If God is for us, who can be against us?” I clung to the Lord. My friends and family prayed for us fervently and then I surrendered.
I stopped worrying about raising support and I started praying for our partners. I started praying fervently again for my family and friends that do not know the Lord. So about a month ago as I was standing in our church standing in the presence of God. He whispered in my ear “Jamie this is Joy”.
God was teaching me we are not in control of this world, God is and God knows what is best for us. Psalm 139: 13-16 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
So do I let God be in control of my life every day? No- I wish I did. I still try to control many things. Right now I confess that this part is hard for me and I find myself trying to control all the little things in my life because the big things are so far out of my control right now. So it is a daily struggle but I can say I am at peace and I have hope and I have Joy. I am ready for the next stage God has me. I have truly learned Hope rises together.
So right now I am at peace. Yes, normally with all the things going on in Africa I would be blowing many gaskets. But God has me. These little things or big things going on, he has.
So dear readers, I pray that you will not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4: 6-7